mathew 7 vs 7

19 Nov 2017

A man saw a catholic nun and decided to give her a lift in his car.As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the nun pretending he was looking for the gear lever.The nun cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7".The man quickly removed [...]

A great pair of balls

20 Sep 2017

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the Military Police ran off, the [...]

johnny asks the teacher

10 Sep 2017

johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the [...]

policeman and a farmer

10 Sep 2017

A policeman stops at a ranch in the rural area and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.' The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The policeman verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the [...]

before marriage and after marriage

6 Sep 2017

BEFORE MARRIAGE: BOY: I have been waiting for this day GIRL: Do you want me to leave? BOY: No GIRL: Do you love me? BOY: Of course GIRL: Will you ever cheat on me? BOY: Never in my life GIRL: Will you ever kiss me? BOY: Every chance i get GIRL: Will you hit me [...]

Meet uncle waxy

1 Sep 2017

Dear Uncle Waxy; I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2 km from home, my car engine started to over-heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home [...]

Nkaka knows the whole truth

1 Sep 2017

A rich man's son who was classmate to nkaka told him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret & that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." So nkaka decided to go home & try it out. He got home & as he is [...]

Mad man in the hospital

1 Sep 2017

MAD MAN:- Hello doctor, i have got a problem DOCTOR:- What is it? MAD MAN:- Every night i always dream of cows playing soccer! DOCTOR:- Oooh wow, take this pill before you sleep tonight MAD MAN :- Ok doctor, i will start tommorrow, because those cows they're playing finals tonight!

Steven spielberg and a chinese guy

1 Sep 2017

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get out of here." The [...]

Wife knows the truth

1 Sep 2017

Oneday a woman wanted to know how the husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on the table in the [...]

Little Johnny is forced to pray

27 Aug 2017

Little johnny was Ordered To Pray before they could go to sleep for the Night... Little johnny: I Don't Know How To Pray… Dad: Just Pray For Every Thing You Know about The Family And Our Neighbours. Little johnny: Mummy, Please, Tell Daddy I Can't Pray! Mummy: Shut Up, If You Don't Pray You'll Not [...]

mum and son

28 May 2017

mum: what are you going to do today? johnny: nothing. mum: but you did nothing the whole of yesterday! johnny: i didn't finish

abnormal phenomena

28 Jul 2014

A peculiarly scary thing was happening in a hospital's ICU. Every Sunday, with unfailing regularity, patients on bed number 5 died at 11 AM. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. To investigate the cause of such bizarre incidents, the doctors and nurses decide to [...]

Doctor's Scary Answer

28 Jul 2014

Alarmed by the prolonged discussions of his case by a group of doctors by his bedside, a patient said, "There must be something terribly wrong with me." "Why do you say that?" asked the doctor. "All the other doctors seem to disagree with your diagnosis." "Don't you worry." consoled the doctor. "In a similar case sometime back I stood firm on my diagnosis and the postmortem proved me right!"

funny quotes(2)

7 Mar 2014

1. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. 2. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean there's one person who enjoys it? 3. The cheaper the phone, the harder it is to break. 4. I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT. ..As long as my mom says its ok...

funny quotes(1)

7 Mar 2014

Been through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11 and 12/12/12, and I still give 0/0/0 F**ks Love is blind but marriage restores its eyes Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Dont drink and drive, you might hit [...]

heaven's lie clocks

24 Feb 2014

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your [...]

password reset trouble

17 Feb 2014

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." [...]

kill a donkey

13 May 2013

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. A waiter happens to get what the discussion was about and makes an inquiry... Terrorist : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter : A donkey....Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people."

basic maths

8 May 2013

The school teacher was taking the class in basic maths. She said to little Johnny, "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many have you got?" "Seven," replied Johnny. "No, Johnny," explained the teacher. "That's not the right answer. Listen. If I give you two apples, then I [...]

puddle's miserable day

6 May 2013

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. What's your name? she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles. She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name? The [...]

a snail's plea

6 May 2013

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

...at an exotic pets auction

6 May 2013

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does" "I guarantee it, madam", replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?

lion-gorilla drama

6 May 2013

There was a gorilla sitting on a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass? After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and [...]

johnny applies for a job

3 May 2013

I refer to the recent death of the accountant at your company and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead accountant. Every time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I caught you red handed and you have no excuse because [...]

johnny spoils a wedding

3 May 2013

On a wedding day, the pastor asked their usual question; "anyone who feels the couple should not be joined in holy matrimony should speak now or forever remain silent" johnny raised his hand from the back, on seeing him the bride fainted and when she was revived, the pastor asked johnny, "why did you raised your hand Son?" johnny replied, "i just wanted to tell you that we can't hear you from the back!"

a call of nature

30 Apr 2013

I was in the public toilets just the other day. a voice from the next cubicle said, 'Hi, how are you?' Embarrassed, I said, 'am doing fine'. The voice said,'What are you up to? I said, 'just doing the same as you, sitting here!' from next door still, 'can i come over?' Annoyed, i said, 'rather busy right now,' The voice said, 'listen, i have to call you back, there is an idiot next door answering all my questions. ...I fainted....

duck punishment

30 Apr 2013

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, [...]

eat first

26 Apr 2013

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, F.F. His wife turned to him and answered, E.F. Out on the highway, he said, F.F. She responded simply, E.F. He repeated, F.F. She again replied, E.F. "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled, "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

new man and old nature

26 Apr 2013

A man was taken to court for shoplifting. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I am a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man" The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail"

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